Jailed

December 20, 2008

This is ridiculous.  I am currently “locked” in my sister’s room while she has a friend over for coffee. 

I realize that having a sister who was sent to America and speaks practically no Korean is means for shame in this society, but come on, I’m a visitor in her home too, so why did she invite this friend in the first place?

I’m totally pissed. 

Basically she came in, told me she was having a friend over now, and pointed to the computer telling me that I could entertain myself on the Internet.  That’s fine, but then her daughter enters and shuts the door securely (which they never do in this home) and settles herself on the floor.  Grounds for disappointment, hurt, anger, etc?  Yes. 

And come on, I’m not five years old.  I’m an adult.  I remember times while growing up when my parents had guests and of course I was fine playing upstairs in my room by myself.  But I wasn’t secluded to a certain part of the house.  I was allowed to come out of my room to use the toilet, get a drink of water, or feed myself.  Apparently at the present time I must refrain from nourishment and excretion.  Which makes my thirst currently that much more annoying.

Perhaps the worst part of this scenario is that it is nearly impossible for me to convey my feelings to my sister.  First because of the language barrier, second due to the fact that our mindsets are vastly different.   I grew up being valued by my society.  I was not a “secret” or second class citizen.  When I come here people are confused as to why I speak little Korean.  Some people express pity if they know I am an adoptee, i.e. store-owners or taxi drivers offering me free goods.  On the subway when I am spoken to and say I do not understand (in Korean of course), phrases are uttered, and I do not need to be fluent to understand what is being said.  Usually something along the lines of “She comes from America and speaks little Korean,” complete with a downcast stare and shaking of the head.

On my first trip back this bothered me a lot.  However this being my fourth visit I am both prepared and also have a much stronger sense of self.  Unfortunately it’s a part of what adoptees encounter here.  What I was not prepared for was to have my sister behave in basically the same way.

My family has accepted me to a greater extent than that of other adoptees’ families.  There is a lot of good amongst my sisters, their husbands, and my mother.  Does the good outweigh the bad?  Not sure.  I do love them, however how much do I tolerate and at what point do I honestly and bluntly express my feelings while still extending respect and hoping for understanding?

January 5, 2008

This is just one aspect of Korea, their society, my history, their present.  Of course I hope that it will one day change, that there can be a greater awareness of social issues, that I will not have to hide my face and identity in my hometown.  Despite the fact that Korea can be very difficult for me due to these issues, it is where I originated, and in ways continues to be a part of me.  It is the home of my wonderful sisters (despite the above) and mother.  It’s a nation that because of my current mindset I can accept at face value, sift through the negative aspects, and enjoy what is positive.  It’s also a place that although when I visit am sometimes tempted to depart early, know that I will return to on many more occasions.