Less Than A Year….

Sometimes it’s better to just stop caring.  In part I believe this.  A patient, upon learning that she had stage IV lung cancer asked, “Is it okay that I just don’t care?”  I wanted to respond, “Hell yes!  It’s fine that you don’t care.  In fact I think it’s fabulous.”  Instead, the smarter (actually dumber and more reserved side of me) replied simply, “Yes, it’s fine” because it 100% is fine.  She smoked for 60 plus years and continues to smoke, having no interest whatsoever in quitting.  “It’s my only vice.  I don’t drink, and I don’t have sex.”  I like honestly.  I respect honesty.  She wasn’t blaming and she wasn’t playing the victim card.  Instead she was cracking jokes and making the best of the situation.  We all knew that her long smoking history was the culprit.  I am sure she knew this as well.  She asked about life expectancy, treatment options, and expressed with immense concern that she wanted to have better control of her pain and more energy to do the things which she enjoys most.  Playing with her grandchildren and going to see Broadway shows were on her mind, not pondering “Why me?”  I talked to her about hospice and that chemotherapy might help to alleviate some pain and add time to her life so that she could see even more Broadway shows and have more precious moments with her grandchildren.  I really took pleasure in speaking with her.

The truth of the matter is that her 74 year old mind got my 29 year old mind thinking that sometimes it’s truly better to simply not give a shit.  Lately I have noticed that I am more frequently asking myself “Why do I even care about this?” or “Why does it matter what others think about my actions (assuming that I’ve acted in a respectable manner).”  At the end of the day I answer to myself.  If someone doesn’t like what I have done they can either bring it to my attention or keep it to themselves.  If they choose to do the later then they are dealing with the consequences of keeping quiet, and I am not.

Joan Dye Gussow, 83 and a local food pioneer wrote “In my twenties and thirties, I use to think worry about what I said to people at parties—who I didn’t talk to and who might have thought I was rude.  Eventually, I just stopped caring.  It would have been nice to know then it wasn’t worth worrying about all of that.”  (“Wisdom and Age.”  Whole Living .  October 2011:  pp 104-110).

As I enter into my thirties I hope that I can live this daily.  I want to care less about doing, thinking, or believing what others deem is “right.”  Instead I want to do what I feel is right for me.  I don’t want stage IV cancer to force me to think this way.