In case you didn’t know, I’ve decided to stay in New York.  Probably not a big surprise to those of you who know me well.  (New York has been my dream destination for I don’t know, the last 9 years-ish). 

The fact is that I love this city.  I felt right at home here from the beginning.  (At least more so than my previous travel assignments).  Don’t get me wrong, I was pleasantly surprised by Texas, and Los Angeles has beautiful weather, but let’s face it, no city can compare.  I desire the subway and bus over driving, and I’ve always wanted to live within walking distance to I don’t know…everything.  I’ve spent the last 4+ months walking 12 blocks to work each morning and the same 12 blocks home each evening.  There is a type of peace and calmness that exists within me here.  Perhaps it is being surrounded by so many people.  For some this would make a person feel more lonely, but for me I feel as though it does the exact opposite.  I interact with few of the people I see, but instead of isolating myself within the confines of my car I cram myself onto the train or hurry past other rushed city dwellers on the street.  There is always the possibility for interaction, although sadly I believe that few view this as a plus or use this to their advantage.  None the less, living here has been fantastic and at this point in my life, the exact experience I have been craving.

It’s difficult for me to accurately describe what my life has been like the last…wow!…third of a year, but here is my random assortment of happenings that will hopefully paint a halfway decent picture.

Let’s start with the BIG one.  I signed a lease and will be moving into a studio apartment on the Upper East Side tomorrow!  (Building entry between a McDonald’s and Indian Restaurant).

Second runner up…I discovered, through the help of a very important fellow travel nurse, what is hands down the world’s BEST brownie.  I’ve included it at all three meals and find that it stands up /pairs well with toast, cottage cheese, sandwiches, and chicken.  (In case you had your doubts).

I’ve been working in gastroenterology “office practice” wearing business casual to work each day, learning the “secrets” to Outlook, and having most of my patient interaction occur via telephone.  The job has included advising patients to 1) take a laxative, 2) include fiber in the diet,  3) try a different laxative, or 4) purchase and ingest either Metamucil, Citrucel, or Fibercon.  Joking aside I teach patients about the procedures they will be having, triage their symptoms (do they need to try one of the four or all four of the above interventions, come to urgent care clinic, or just relax and let “things” happen).  I also call to inform them that their biopsies are negative and they don’t have cancer, of which had already been alluded to, but not officially confirmed.

I’ve learned that living in the city involves actually designating a time for laundry rather than just throwing in a load after work and then leaving the clothes in the dryer for 2 days.

I silently judge those who own large dogs and live in tiny apartments.  I have polite conversations with them in the elevator, all the while thinking that if their oversize pet drools, sheds, or nudges me I will have no choice but to let loose with my meanest dirty look.

I decided to give the Lactaid pill another shot and happily rediscovered all things dairy.

Again I seriously contemplated pursing my writing career over nursing.

Again I continue to find myself in the nursing profession.

I’ve been cut in line several times and not really cared because I know the person at the register will “have my back” and yell at the customer for me.

Yesterday a patient said, “Good-bye Lucy Lu.”  My response was to simply say “I don’t look like her” and walk away.  (Apparently on the east coast a person of Asian descent can and will be referred to as “Chinese” regardless of their actual ethnicity.  At least I’m not being characterized as “the Oriental girl” as was once the case in Texas).

I’ve expanded my knowledge of the Jewish faith.

I’ve attended more weekday Masses and found that it helped me feel less anxious while I was in the process of finding another job, a place to live, and contemplating whether staying was ultimately the right choice.

I drove a car in New Jersey, contemplated selling my car, then bought insurance for the car I will no longer be driving.

I got a tad restless in the city which resulted in visiting a close friend in Chicago, where by the way I felt like I was back in the suburbs.

I’ve worn every outfit I brought in my ONE suitcase.  I’m now sick of my clothes and glad to be taking a short trip back to Seattle to gather my winter wear as well as other small items that are to soon find themselves in a new home.

I’ve learned that it is 100% okay to want what I want, but to sometimes be a bit more patient and allow the pieces to come together on their own accord…in New York of course.

It’s official.  I’m going to NY!  I’ll be arriving in Manhattan with two suitcases and no pillow.  Crazy!  (But good experience in “letting go”).  I feel relieved that this decision has essentially go been solved for me.  I’ve debated…stay in LA, move to northern Cali, go back to Seattle and work a bit there, or just do the NY thing so there will be no chance of future regrets.  The job offer came out of the blue.  I’ll be working at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center doing the day nurse thing.  A lot of patient education, telephone calls, etc.  Basically what I did in Seattle on Same Day Unit, but probably (hopefully) much more organized and professional.  4 days a week, 10 hour days, 3 day weekends…every week for three months.  (Yes, this is a travel assignment).

I think I’ve been under so much stress and anxiety, flip flopping back and forth over where to live and work that I forgot how long I’ve been wanting and waiting to move to NY.  The other day it occurred to me that I have no real reason why I’ve wanted to live there.  I ended up telling my recruiter on the phone that I just love public transportation.  Her response was, “Well, now you can drink more and not worry about having to drive.”  This is very true and the thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion, but it’s odd hearing it come from your employer.  (Although she does frequently call me “girlie” and “honey” so the statement isn’t too striking).  Basically prior to graduating nursing school the desire has been there.  This winter (after the pain of applying for my NY license) and then recently having it get lost in the mail (twice) it seems that this “dream” is becoming my reality.  My goal was to be there by my birthday and (yay!) it will be met. 

I’m going to give NY an honest try.  Texas and LA got it, so NY definitely deserves the same. 

Taking a travel assignment is essentially A LOT easier than moving to a new place on your own.  2 days prior to receiving this offer (and literally minutes before the phone rang) I was still debating about whether to stay in Cali or just do the east coast thing completely and take a permanent position.  Three months is a good amount of time to figure out if I would like to stay longer.  If it’s not for me I can always come back here.  (Truthfully I anticipate I’ll love it and have to kiss this beautiful weather good-bye, but we’ll see). 

I’ve decided to post an entry (Thoughts on NY) that I wrote  a few nights before I was interviewed for my new position.  It’s honest and perhaps more revealing than this post.  Funny thing though, I continued to talk myself out of going even after I had compiled my thoughts and fears, which is ultimately why I chose not to publish it immediately.  Now that this is all happening my hesitation has mostly dissipated.  I’m packing (organizing what goes and what doesn’t), driving back to Seattle to leave my car (I’ll miss you), and then flying over in a week or so!  It’s quickly coming together, and I look forward to relaxing and exploring a new place very soon (which is essentially why I do what I do).

Okay, I can’t believe I am doing this, but I am going to NY.  I have debated (several times a day) whether to stay in Cali or go after my “dream” and live in NY.  I have so many excuses as to why I should stay in Los Angeles.  The weather is great.  I feel as if I’ve been cold for about 80% of my life and am just now beginning to warm up and properly regulate my body’s temperature.  There is so much to do here.  Great beaches to visit, weekend trips to San Fran or San Diego…but the truth of the matter is I feel a probing to migrate to the east coast.  I don’t have a solid reason why.  I’ve just always had this desire (since nursing school) to live in NYC, which I guess is reason in itself.  Being here has awakened me to the fact that I desire to make roots.  I love to explore and visit new places and working as a travel nurse has helped me grow both professionally and personally, but I need to find a place that I can call home, at least for a few years. 

Honestly, moving to New York scares me more than I care to admit.  It is perhaps even more nerve racking than going to Korea and meeting my birth mother.  (Yeah, really).  And so, I feel that this alone is why I should not take the “easy” way out and stay in LA.  One of my biggest fears is having regrets, and I don’t want to make that fear my reality.  Tomorrow I will probably wake up and still try to convince myself that staying in Cali is a good idea.  I’ll probably continue to do just that until I leave LA and maybe even after I am back in Seattle.  But ultimately I don’t feel that I belong here.  This is not my niche.  If NY had LA’s weather there would be no question whatsoever where I belong.  JFK would definitely be my next destination. 

All I really want is to feel at peace with my decision.  Today while I was at church I prayed for just that, and immediately I felt God saying, “If you choose to go; I’ll take care of you.”  I can’t really ask for much more.  So if the promise is there, I can’t pass this opportunity up.  I’ll just buy a new coat for the winter and anticipate a high electric bill.

This is a good question and one that I’d like answered.  But suspense and nearly having an aneurysm each day is exciting as well.  (OK, not 100% desirable, but at least my life is not boring).  My contract with LA’s Kaiser on Sunset Blvd will end May 17.  Then I will be off to NY?  Northern Cali?  Staying here?  I’m not sure.  I do know that I would like to take a permanent position and settle into a place.  “Settling down” is not the proper terminology, but one thing is definitely certain, I do not want to “settle.”  (Uggh, the thought alone makes me queasy). 

I’ve been trying to not over think the events that will be unfolding in the near future.  What is meant to be will be…right?  At least that’s the philosophy that’s made me feel most at ease in my life thus far.  A new friend recently asked me if I consider myself someone who can tolerate a lot of chaos swirling around me and still remain for the most part sane and  inwardly at peace.  I thought about this for a moment before offering my agreeance.  I like that I’ve realized this bit of insight about myself.  They (great philosophers, statisticians, average people) say that moving is in the top 3? 5? of life’s most stressful events.  Perhaps, but personally I find ironing, certain family situations, and encounters with reptiles to be much more alarming.  (Thankfully I’ve been able to talk a friend into doing my ironing for me, rarely go to the zoo/explore nature, and try to limit family functions as well). 

Moving to me is life.  If I had chosen to stay in Seattle I wouldn’t have experienced Texas and Los Angeles.  I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to build as many new relationships and seek a fresh and captivating dimension of independence.  My best friend calls it bravery.  I call it a necessity.  I like change because it exercises my adaptability (something I’ve supposedly grown to be quite good at).

So, as I practice patience my plan for now is to move again, but hopefully find a job and surroundings that allow me to stay longer than 3 months.

(Wish I had more juicy details to divulge.  Soon…very soon!)

I’ve officially been here a little over a month, and yes, now I am liking it. Surprisingly….

 
I guess LA has found it’s place with me. And I’ve come to accept some thing that are just so LA. Examples: Sun…love it! Korea Town…convienent, love it! Debit pad at Walgreens whose default is always set to Spanish…why not love it? It’s not as if I need the bill to be in English to understand the amount I am required to pay. Hospital…not bad. Don’t know yet if I would want to be a patient there. They are a little outdated in some of their policies and techniques, but as a whole a LOT better than the facility in Texas. Mostly because the majority of patients actually say “thank you” as opposed to “I want my pain medication NOW!” Getting places still takes a while, but I’ve adjusted. It’s just part of the LA package.

 
I haven’t really hung out in Hollywood that much. I think that scene would get tiresome. I’ll just say it and risk sounding judgemental…pretension bothers me. I was getting my hair done the other day at a Korean salon (where I paid a little more than I would pay in Korea, but way less than what I would pay in Seattle. Obviously another great perk about living here) and flipping through OK! and People. Over half the stuff was semi-applicable in the sense that I’ve driven past some of the places the stars visit or am now moderately familiar with what mansion in the Hollywood Hills really means. Odd stuff….

 
I’ve met a few other writers as well. Mostly nurses who are also not 100% devoted to the profession, but doing it to pay the bills, etc. However the difference between myself and them…they write screenplays and well, I don’t. (Actually I’ve never even considered writing one and would have no clue where to start). Also, many people out here say they are in the “entertainment industry.” That can be taken multiple ways. Entertainment as in dancer (the kind that wears very little clothing)? Actor? Writer? Stunt man or woman? I have difficulty understanding this phrase. It’s too broad and basically alludes to a thousand or so different jobs. In Seattle one would say, “I work for Microsoft.” Or Boeing or I don’t know, Costco. I’m trying to figure out if the people who say this are in fact currently employed in the “entertainment industry” or just waiting for their big break. I guess it would feel more natural to me if one said, “I work at Disney as a sound manager.” It’s specific, but perhaps not as mysterious and entriguing as some would prefer.

 
Most of the time I just find myself thinking, “This is just so LA.” (And of course secretely liking it).

First Impressions

I’m in this place called LA, and I find myself thinking, “This is not Texas.”  (Yes, duh).  I haven’t seen one cowboy  hat, and I’m beginning to consider that a crime.  Many of you have wondered (and asked) “What was so great about Texas?” That thought has crossed my mind on numerous occasions as well.  Tonight, after 12 hours of hospital and unit orientation I thought to myself, “What if I find myself back in Texas?”  Perhaps I should just consider the Lone Star State my first love.  After all it is where this whole travel thing began.  Just getting there alone constituted my first solo road trip (and to be even more accurate my first real adventure where I and not my father drove).  I’ve told people that I love Texas because I went with no expectations.  LA on the other hand…well, I’ve visited (many times throughout my life) so yes, to some extent a picture had already been painted in my mind.  Surprisingly the scene I had envisioned is quite unlike the reality that hits me in the face each morning.  I’m not sure what exactly I think of this place, which is fine, given that I’ve only been here what, 5 days.  I do however know that when MapQuest says it will take 15 minutes to get to a destination that really means up to one hour.  The scenery is beautiful, especially when viewed from a higher elevation.  It rained earlier this week, but I like the fact that over the weekend I had to change out of my Uggs because I didn’t feel right about wearing them when the sun was shinning.  (They’ve also been my stable footwear for the past 2 months while in Seattle).  Another scenario that seems slightly misplaced (and surely the strangest) is that I attended Mass off of Hollywood Boulevard this past Sunday.  To further confuse my mind the pastor stated, “If you plan on attending service next week at 5 pm please allow for extra time due to the Oscars and road closures.”  The fact that I could be celebrating Jesus within a half mile radius of perhaps the most well-known entertainment event seems absurd. 

I’ve always considered myself someone who would enjoy living in a large city.  (No, Seattle is not a large city.  It is more like a town in comparison to my current living arrangements).  LA has done a sufficient job of evoking moments of exhaustion.  I’m living downtown in a huge apartment complex.  It literally occupies two city blocks.  I’m on the 10th (and top floor) of my building, and the trek from the parking garage to my door has sometimes taken between 5-10 minutes.  (Tonight I considered forgoing exercise in exchange for promising to always take the stairs, which in reality is probably faster than waiting for the elevator).  I guess I’m living and learning.  Sounds corny, but it’s true.  I’ve been gone from Seattle less than a week, and I’ve already faced the possibility of having to put chains on my tires and drive through a snow storm, as well as encountering a dead car battery and having AAA come and replace it in the parking lot of an Albertsons.  (I don’t know why I am always struck with transportation drama.  It’s starting to get annoying). 

Second Impressions

I love the sun, when armed with sunscreen of course.  I’ve had two days of hospital orientation on my floor and am now receiving 16 hours of computer training for a charting system that I learned in Texas.  (If they want to pay me to sit in a classroom all day and not wipe poo, that’s fine with me).  It’s great to not be cold.  Sunny and in the 70s today.  Although I do not appreciate the traffic jams I continue to enjoy driving by new places.  Even if the commute is long, at least it is interesting.  Only in LA do you come across a Home Depot in Koreatown, with a taco stand out front, next to a Food 4 Less, on the same lot as a discount shoe store, complete with a Starbucks.  These are the things that are currently making me happy.

It’s official.  I am going to LA in approximately one week.  Yes, it will have been over two months since my job in Fort Worth ended, and yes, I think I am finally ready for this “vacation” to come to a close.  The time off has undoubtedly been nice.  Due to my job title of “travel nurse” I made it a goal to only work 9 months out of the year, and it appears I am on track for making that quickly become a reality.  (Perhaps a little too on track).  Maybe I should just become a teacher.  That way I’d be guaranteed the time off without really having to think or plan it.  Hmmm….

I prefer to not endorse the option of viewing myself as lazy.  I have tried to work several times at my per diem agency, but it appears that I am just not needed.  In a way this is disappointing  and in a way it really is not.  When I do schedule myself to work I must get up at 4:45 am to call and see if I’ve been canceled.  This means going to bed early, preferably before 10 pm, and having all of my “nurse things” ready the night before so that I can jet out the door quickly.  It also means that I may not be working at the hospital that I originally said I’d go to.  Example:  Overlake says they don’t need me so my agency calls Valley to see if I’m needed there.  So extra time in the morning is good because there is always the possibility of getting lost, not knowing where to park, getting disoriented coming out of an elevator and heading in the wrong direction, etc.  In Fort Worth it took me weeks to understand the hospital’s layout.  I can’t believe I use to brag that I had a good sense of direction.  Being so reliant on GPS totally screwed with my inherent ability to problem solve.  Now I just turn and walk and pray that I arrive at my destination. 

I have to admit, when I make that 4:45 am phone call I secretly hope that my services are not needed.  I feel that if I ask to be scheduled and put in the effort of getting ready for work I should not feel guilty for another day of daytime TV, leisurely coffee drinking, online chatting, happy hour, and evening (or afternoon) wine drinking.  I only wish some sort of monetary value could accompany my efforts.  Too bad for that….

Los Angeles will be good though.  I want to go with no expectations (except for sunny weather of course).   I already have somewhat of a preconceived notion because I have visited throughout my life.  If my memory of reiterated moments by parents serves me right, I first went to Disneyland when I was less than one year old.  There have also been road trips with the family, a high school orchestra excursion, and visits to friends.  Texas was fun for me because I truly did not know what to expect.  I had never heard of Fort Worth, didn’t really understand the whole southern hospitality thing, and just recently realized how far Texas is from Seattle.  I’d go back, but am done with the long drives for now.  Basically I heart Texas and hope to heart LA and Cali as well.

We shall see….

I tend to be against journaling on my blog, but today I want to take a break from my more “focused” writing and give a brief update.  I’ve been back from Korea for exactly two weeks now.  The past 14 days have gone by quick, despite my not working and general “hanging out.”  I’m seriously loving it!  I could quite possibly not work another day in my life and be totally content.  Oh the thought of that sounds so glorious!  I visit about one to three coffee shops a day, plop myself at a table and write.  Yes, I am taking advantage of my unemployment or partial employment and returning to my first great passion, writing.  I don’t know why I took such a long hiatus.  Perhaps it was because I just didn’t know the direction I wanted my writing to take or even more scary, where it would lead me.  While in Texas I wrote occasionally, mostly so that people back in Seattle could get a tiny glimpse into the life that I felt lucky to be partaking in.  Now that I have returned from my fourth trip to Korea I feel that things in “Aimee’s world” are a bit more settled.  It was reaffirming for me to visit my homeland (where I have often felt degraded and of lesser status than the average Korean citizen) and still be able to retain a sense of self, despite the family drama that often goes hand in hand with my visits.  I have made it my New Year’s Resolution (I hardly ever make these, but suppose I should) to literally let my creative side flow.  That means, and I am hesitant to make this statement on a public page, rethinking and acting upon the act of memoir writing.  There I said it.  Yes, I would like to share some of what has been going on in my life since meeting my birth family.  It’s changed me and been such a significant part of my life.  Perhaps the most profound and solid example is changing my last name to what in my opinion is more fitting for who I am today.  So, on this rainy Seattle Saturday afternoon I again am at one of the three Tully’s that I frequent.  I am sitting across from a retired electrical engineer who is solving thermodynamic problems for fun.  Yes, for fun.  When I pulled out my laptop he spoke to me and asked what I was working on.  I was totally caught off guard as most coffee shop goers keep to themselves and their ipods, books, or computers.  My answer to his question:  “my writing.”  Short and to the point and 100% accurate. 

I don’t know when or if I will ever finish this work.  I started it about three years ago, but it has been in seclusion for nearly that long.  It could be that all this “work” will simply be for my own development and nurturing, but perhaps it won’t.  Maybe instead of dodging questions about my “roots”  and all it’s complications and bizarre facts you’ll be able to turn a page and consider for yourself what it means for me at least to be Korean, an adoptee, and also an American woman.

December 20, 2008

This is ridiculous.  I am currently “locked” in my sister’s room while she has a friend over for coffee. 

I realize that having a sister who was sent to America and speaks practically no Korean is means for shame in this society, but come on, I’m a visitor in her home too, so why did she invite this friend in the first place?

I’m totally pissed. 

Basically she came in, told me she was having a friend over now, and pointed to the computer telling me that I could entertain myself on the Internet.  That’s fine, but then her daughter enters and shuts the door securely (which they never do in this home) and settles herself on the floor.  Grounds for disappointment, hurt, anger, etc?  Yes. 

And come on, I’m not five years old.  I’m an adult.  I remember times while growing up when my parents had guests and of course I was fine playing upstairs in my room by myself.  But I wasn’t secluded to a certain part of the house.  I was allowed to come out of my room to use the toilet, get a drink of water, or feed myself.  Apparently at the present time I must refrain from nourishment and excretion.  Which makes my thirst currently that much more annoying.

Perhaps the worst part of this scenario is that it is nearly impossible for me to convey my feelings to my sister.  First because of the language barrier, second due to the fact that our mindsets are vastly different.   I grew up being valued by my society.  I was not a “secret” or second class citizen.  When I come here people are confused as to why I speak little Korean.  Some people express pity if they know I am an adoptee, i.e. store-owners or taxi drivers offering me free goods.  On the subway when I am spoken to and say I do not understand (in Korean of course), phrases are uttered, and I do not need to be fluent to understand what is being said.  Usually something along the lines of “She comes from America and speaks little Korean,” complete with a downcast stare and shaking of the head.

On my first trip back this bothered me a lot.  However this being my fourth visit I am both prepared and also have a much stronger sense of self.  Unfortunately it’s a part of what adoptees encounter here.  What I was not prepared for was to have my sister behave in basically the same way.

My family has accepted me to a greater extent than that of other adoptees’ families.  There is a lot of good amongst my sisters, their husbands, and my mother.  Does the good outweigh the bad?  Not sure.  I do love them, however how much do I tolerate and at what point do I honestly and bluntly express my feelings while still extending respect and hoping for understanding?

January 5, 2008

This is just one aspect of Korea, their society, my history, their present.  Of course I hope that it will one day change, that there can be a greater awareness of social issues, that I will not have to hide my face and identity in my hometown.  Despite the fact that Korea can be very difficult for me due to these issues, it is where I originated, and in ways continues to be a part of me.  It is the home of my wonderful sisters (despite the above) and mother.  It’s a nation that because of my current mindset I can accept at face value, sift through the negative aspects, and enjoy what is positive.  It’s also a place that although when I visit am sometimes tempted to depart early, know that I will return to on many more occasions.

During the last month none of my activities have had any resemblance to the pastime that we Americans consider exercise.  In Korea I ate, sat, ate more, and sat more.  Prior to that time I spent 35 plus hours behind the wheel of my car attempting and then succeeding at making it safely from Texas to Seattle.  This past week I’ve been to several malls, however never with the sole purpose of walking.  Today I laced up my running shoes, pulled on the track pants, and embarked on what many over the age of 60 typically do on a weekday morning-mall walk. 

At first I was a bit apprehensive about this venture.  But I figured I needed to move and since it’s been raining/snowing, and I haven’t gotten around to getting a gym membership, I had no choice, it was the mall or…begin to loose my mental sanity and become overweight.  I wanted neither.

My dad is in his early 60s.  I think he is a mall walker.  Once he mentioned to me that he felt a bit out of place due to the fact that most other mall walkers are say 70 plus.  “They go to the mall in groups and meet others there too.  Then they sit around and drink Seattle’s Best Coffee.”  I could tell he had issues with this, being that he does not want to consider himself part of this “crowd.”  I told him that there are worse things in life to be associated with.

If I am going to do something I don’t make a half-ass attempt.  Therefore I felt it a must that I bring along the ipod to listen to my tunes.  (I can’t exercise without music, it’s just too boring).  With the white earbuds everybody knew what I was doing.  Seriously, there was no question.  I did the upper level first, then the lower level.  Took less than 15 minutes.  I passed grandma and grandpa as well.  They were in their sweats, looking a bit like they had just rolled out of bed.  I had showered and even had makeup on, which if I had truly been exercising to my standards both would have been forgone.

After one round I was tired of passing by stores where the workers gaze out at you due to the lack of true shoppers in the hours before noon.  Plus I needed to kick it up a notch to burn a few calories and get a mental boost.  I decided to move it outside to the 40 degree weather.  Luckily it had stopped raining so I made my way around the mall 3 times, feeling about 10 times healthier due to uneven pavement, small inclines, and the roar of passing traffic.

I feel as though this was a very geriatrical, but proactive activity.  I have no shame, after all I am choosing to share my experience with other, probably non-geriatric people.  I’ve been doing a lot of sitting lately, and it’s starting to take it’s toll.  I’m not use to the inactivity.  Even at work I spend half my shift in the vertical position so today I could not resist the urge to migrate a distance that is further than the kitchen.